Epiphany - How Fight Club Changed My Life - A Short Story Read online

  So it doesn’t matter if you drive a Fiat Punto or a Bugatti Veyron; it’s the combination of skill, quick thinking, calmness under pressure and control at speed that are ultimately desirable and distinguish you from your average boy racer or the kind of hunter that would run in waving his arms and scare the monkeys away.

  For any modern gent it’s not enough to only know how to parallel park and it’s unlikely the skills learned for your formal driving test will help you escape the clutches of Russian spies, dodgy London geezers, boyz in the hood or even ex-wife number six. And it’s not hard to learn the extra skills you need in order to achieve this. They take less than a weekend of study and are the kind of moves you see on the big screen and real-life police shows. You know the kind of audacious moves that make tyres smoke like a camp fire and make you squeal like a soprano in nipple clamps.

  You can even teach yourself. For this you need three things: first a car you don’t mind hammering a little. It doesn’t need any special modification; a standard roadworthy car is just the ticket.

  Second you need space. Lots of space. Such as a large empty parking lot or industrial area.

  Third you need the stones to just have a go. You’ll be amazed how easy some of these moves are to execute; a little harder to master but then this is one of the key themes of the book. Fear. It’s not always an easy thing to overcome but overcome it you will.

  You can of course pay someone to teach you. They then provide the cars, the space and the expertise to make it all happen and logistically it saves a whole lot of headaches for you. A security professional friend of mine considers power slide days and stunt courses to be as good an option as any bodyguard’s driving course and they cost about a tenth of the price. So under the tuition of a firm called Dynamic Drivers I found myself in a disused airfield in the West Country. First out the bag . . .

 

  The Handbrake Turn

  Not just any handbrake turn but a turn into an empty space between two parked cars. Just like in the movies. To do this you need to find a suitable parking space. Approach from about 50 metres out and keep the parking spot on your right. In first gear bring the car up to around 3500 revs.

  When you reach the empty spot between the two cars put your left hand on the steering wheel at nine o’clock and spin it round to six o’clock. As soon as you begin to turn the wheel pull on the handbrake. Then correct any oversteer with the steering wheel.

  You can also approach from the other direction. Just reverse your hands on the wheel, start at three o’clock and turn anti-clockwise. That’s it. Simple and effective. However it is easy to overcook it so you may want to practise a little before trying this anywhere near real cars or pedestrians.

  To do this you’ll need four traffic cones. Lay them out just over a car length apart in your large empty area. Two on the outside edge representing the road side of the parked cars and two on the inside to mark out the area where pedestrians walk and manslaughter charges apply.

  For hairpin bends we use the same principles. From whatever speed you’re doing drop down to second then first gear, turn into the corner, clutch down, apply the handbrake so that the rear wheels lock and the back end comes round.

  Once you’re pointing in the right direction it’s clutch up and back on the power.

  It might take you a few goes to master these techniques or like me you might get it right first time and then spend several attempts over-analysing things until you finally get it right again. But it’s a skill that once learned will never be forgotten. As is the following.

 

  The J-Turn

  This is the classic move from big screen car chases from James Bond to The Fast and the Furious. It’s also known as the Bootlegger. So if you want to feel like Steve McQueen this is the one and it’s surprisingly easy to achieve whether you’re using an automatic or a manual, front or rear wheel drive. Here’s how.

 

  Manual transmission

  Step 1. Find your straight line through the rear window.

  Fix your eyes on a spot in the distance, this should keep you on course.

  Step 2. Pop it into reverse and floor the throttle.

  Step 3. At around 25–30mph take your foot off the accelerator. This doesn’t need to be a pretty or smooth manoeuvre but it does need to be quick as the idea is to unbalance the rear suspension.

  Step 4. With your hand on the steering wheel at seven to nine o’clock throw the steering wheel away to the right.

  This now unbalances the front end and the car will automatically fly straight round. If it’s a good J-turn the rear wheels will stay virtually still as the front wheels spin around to the front.

  Step 5. Look forward, clutch down and into first gear. Drive away.

 

  How hard is that? For automatics the final step is even easier as you don’t use the clutch.

 

  Step 5. (Automatic) Look forward, change from reverse into drive and away you go.

 

  You may find on the first few attempts that just before you change gear you instinctively hit the brakes. Don’t worry about this. During my training only one person managed it first time. Our instructor said he was the first in three months to do so.

  To overcome the compulsion to brake in between each set, simply visualise the manoeuvre without the braking reaction in your mind first. Repeat until it fixes in your unconscious. This usually happens somewhere between the third and sixth attempts; suddenly you’ll find the front end whipping round in front of you with a satisfying screech of tyres and the stench of burning rubber before you accelerate away.

  Practising J-turns beats sitting at home twiddling away on Grand Theft Auto any day of the week. But this is one exercise that will seriously beat up your car and especially your tyres, which is why it’s always good to use a vehicle you’re not worried about trashing or cars specifically maintained for the job.

  If you want to take this move even further you could try upping the size of the vehicle; how about a double-decker bus or a single-level coach? Or my personal favourite: the golf cart – there’s nothing like scaring the boys in slacks.

  Even better still try a fully insured hire car. It’s even easier when it’s not your own car you’re spanking.

 

  The Power Slide – Variations

  Easily the most desirable skill to have is the power slide. It’s the one move that really gets your heart pumping and turns heads whether you’re a TV presenter, a Hollywood stunt man or just keen to try out your getaway skills. The idea is to keep the car moving at a constant speed through a corner. To do this you break traction by applying the brakes just before turning into the corner then reapplying acceleration so that the car appears to be travelling in a different direction from the one you’re actually going in, usually sideways.

  It really looks the business but there are different ways to do it depending on the type of car you’re driving. In a front wheel drive you’re using oversteer to get you round the corner; in rear wheel drive or four wheel drive it’s the power through the back wheels. When you do this from corner to corner without regaining traction that’s called drifting.

 

  FRONT WHEEL DRIVE: The Scandinavian Flick While you can modify the previous hairpin handbrake turn to accommodate your edge of the seat needs, at speed it is easy to get wrong. Here’s a simpler technique.

  Once again the aim is to unbalance the car, so at speed drop down into third gear, then quickly turn the wrong way into a corner to unbalance (that’s right, away from the corner you’re turning into) then immediately turn back the right way.

  Now let the rear end slide out as far as your nerves can take and hit the throttle to power out of the slide.

  It takes a bit more to master this technique but it is well worth it. The initial shimmy where you turn against the direction of the corner feels totally counter-intuitive and
if you’re trying it on a mountain road with a precipice ahead for your first time it’ll scare the hell out of you.

  Again it’s a perfect manoeuvre to practise in a wide-open space such as a disused airfield, industrial estate or race track.

 

  REAR WHEEL DRIVE

 

  Doughnuts

  Classic doughnuts are for show offs and are best performed in a rear wheel drive car. They are a useful step in building up to an RWD power slide. This is where you slide the back end of the car around in a tight circle so that the front end swivels around a circular central point. It could be described as doughnut-shaped as could the smoking tyre tracks you leave behind.

  Step 1. From a standing start select first gear.

  Step 2. Lock the steering wheel over in the direction you want to go.

  Step 3. Apply loads of revs.

  Step 4. Release the clutch.

  Away you go. Simple, perfect doughnuts every time. If you’re attacking it from a rolling start simply squeeze on the handbrake before hitting first gear and locking the steering wheel.

 

  Power slide in a circle

  You will be going in a wider circle and this requires more skill than the simple doughnut. To begin have your car rolling in second gear then turn into the direction of steer and hammer the throttle.

  Now comes the tricky bit: you have to balance the power with the steering and constantly adjust. Too much power and you’ll spin out, too little and the car will straighten up and you’ll lose the power and the slide.

 

  Power slide into a corner

  To put it all together, first turn into a bend at around 50–70mph to get the tail out then catch the slide and apply full throttle. Balance power with steering to hold the line round the corner and as you complete the turn ease off the power, straighten up and accelerate out.

  Now take a deep breath and don’t worry about grinning too much. If you’ve taken my advice you’ll have practised all this in a big open space using a car you’re not worried about hurting. Better still you’ll have a professional there to teach you. You’ll make a few mistakes as you learn these skills but like anything good in life to do it properly you need to be prepared to make a few mistakes first. So get out there and learn to make your tyres sing.

  Watch the videos to go with this chapter: https://bit.ly/wqvPdX 

  Pick Locks, Safes and Chastity Belts

    We have all found ourselves on the outside looking in whether it’s the high school dance, the head office or outside our front door with no key, no phone and the rain beating down on our heads. But fear not: the basics of lock picking are far easier to pick up than the endless nuances of social climbing and although it takes time to master, it’s fun, and makes heroin addiction look like a very dull hobby.

  So let’s start with our front door and get out of this rain.

  You can, of course, use the brute force method and smash the door off its hinges but this can be a lot harder to pull off than in the movies and you’re likely to damage your ankle or shoulder in the process. Cops use those battering rams for a reason you know. Our first entry method is one I learned as a teen and demonstrates the primary principle of lock picking – exploiting inherent design flaws – although without a pick in sight.

  Examine your front door lock. If it’s a normal cylinder type with a locking bolt that has a curved edge facing you then we’re good to go. With the door shut simply insert an old credit card between the door and the frame until it touches the curve. Now give it a firm tap, et voilà the lock is open.

  If the curve is facing away from you and you want to show off thread a shoelace around one side of the bolt.

  Start at the top, pull the other end back towards you and pull hard on both ends of the lace. Once again, it’s open sesame.

  It’s so easy that when you’ve done it once you’ll ask yourself why anyone would have a standard lock fitted.

  However many modern door frames now have a line of beading that covers the opening between door and frame to prevent such easy access. But if you have a flat-head screwdriver to hand you can lever off the beading and use the screwdriver’s tip instead of a plastic card or shoelace to get in.

  Of course destroying your door frame is expensive and noisy, you may as well have called the locksmith.

  Well now that your blood is up after a bit of casual breaking and entering you’re probably feeling a tad frisky and unnecessary. I bet you can’t wait to whisk your latest squeeze – let’s call her Nicole – off to that little place in the country. But wait: her papa has heard about your reputation, gone medieval on your ass, and imprisoned her nether regions in a good old-fashioned chastity belt with a great big clanking padlock on it. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Time for your first real lock pick.

  You’ll need to practise a little first. Here’s what you’ll need:

  Two paperclips.

  One medium-sized padlock.

  To make the pick: take paperclip one and unfold the first arm of metal once until you’ve made a right angle.

  To make the tension wrench: take paperclip two, unfold two sides of the first arm and then fold this back on itself until the two sides of the metal are as flush to each other as you can get.

  Insert the flattened end of the paperclip tension wrench at the base of the lock opening and push in as far as you can.

  Apply tension with a finger against the wrench in a clockwise direction, about as much as you would use to tighten a jam jar. Keep the tension constant.

  Now insert the pick all the way in and rake back across the pins. You should feel the lock turn when all the pins are free. Congratulations. Give yourself a pat on the back.

  You’ve just completed your first lock pick with nothing more than some simple tools that you’ve fashioned yourself.

  Troubleshooting: just in case it didn’t happen for you first time keep at it. My first one popped open on the third attempt when I stopped jiggling and tried to feel the pins.

  Remember to keep constant tension on the wrench or it won’t work. If your paperclips are made of very soft metal don’t be afraid to replace them as they wear out.

  Now that you’ve mastered this technique maybe you feel like liberating your significant other. She’s been very patient so far.

  Once you two have had your fun I’m sure you’ll want to check out of the cute little hotel where you’ve been holed up for the weekend and leave the mess for someone else to tidy up. But how typical of the middle of nowhere: the code on your safe has stopped working and your passports and money are inside. What’s more there’s no one on reception.

  What are you going to do?

  If you’re a sneaky sort of chap you’ll have already looked up the model of your safe using the hotel internet and tried the factory pre-set master code. Usually something like 888888 and then press E. Now depending on the hotel management they may or may not have changed this. If they have then usually they’ve been asked to input a 3–8-digit number. You’d be surprised how many choose 1234, 111 or some other simple to beat combination – after all the sleepy night porter has to be able to remember it. If you’re a well-organised sort of fellow you may well have gone so far as to buy your own hotel safe, one that matches those of the establishment you’re staying in. Why would you do this?

  Well as most standard hotel safes cost less than £100 and come with a basic override key that opens every model of that safe . . . oh dear, have I said too much?

  So, passport and money in hand you reach the outside garage only to find that it is also locked and there’s still no one around. Now it’s time to get down to business, no more fannying around with paperclips.

  You bring out your tool kit that contains the usual collection of picks and wrenches. You’ll have already familiarised yourself with the whole range – picks with names like diamond, half diamond, h
ook, lifter, feeler, ball, double ball, half-ball and double half-ball, snake, patterned and profile, feeler and dimple as well as the wave picks, lever picks, tubular picks and cross picks. You can buy these from online locksmiths as complete sets or fashion them yourself from templates also found easily online.

  For the standard five or six pin tumbler lock you’ll need to get used to using a tension wrench and pick in exactly the same way you used the paperclips, although with a little more finesse and savvy on the pick.

  The way a lock works is that there is a shear line running from front to back inside it. There are then five or more equal-sized driver pins (top pins) sitting on top of five unequal sized key pins (bottom pins). Because the key pins are uneven in size they straddle the shear line at different heights that correspond to the indentations on the key that opens it.

  When you slide the key in, the indents force the driver pins to line up along the shear line to create an opening. This allows the cylinder to turn and the lock to open. When using a pick you need to apply tension in the direction of turn with the wrench and work through one pin at a time to move it into the correct position above the shear line. The pin that you start with and each subsequent pin you release is called the binding pin – i.e. it binds across the shear line. When you’ve tapped all five into the correct position the lock will open just as if you had a key. Easy right?

  It will take time to master but it is worth the effort. Once you have the feel of it you can move on to other types of lock, use lock-pick guns and shims, blind-touch laser picks and slim jims for car entry and of course the professional cat burglar’s favourite, the bump key. As you’re driving away from your hotel you’ll be kicking yourself for not making life easy and bringing a set along in the first place.

  What a bump key is: take a normal key that fits your desired lock and cut the indentations down to their lowest setting (the lower line mark on the key), keeping the ridges intact. Insert the key part of the way into the lock (leaving one ridge or pin length sticking out) and give it a bump on the end – usually with a bump hammer – while applying tension with your thumb. The pins should jump above the shear line from front to back and allow the lock to turn.